Death whispered a lullaby

After leaving secondary school i worked various part time jobs for 2 years.I've worked as sales man,sales assistant,mover,cashier,waiter,flyers distributer door to door and flyers distributer.
I managed to defer ns for those 2 years as i put that i was trying lasalle,i wanted to study music in lasalle as i love music but i don't have the music grades so i interviewed for some backstage thing luckily i didn't get through.
So i worked and slacked those 2 years and my favourite job was distributing flyers door to door,even though it was very tiring but i had fun as i enjoyed the freedom.
I was still very miserable,i didn't know what i could do in life.
I was suffering from depression,i felt that i had nothing,noone and no future.
Finally i was enlisted into ns.The start of the damage done.

"afraid of this slow decay
you see me fade away"


Bmt was fun,i had great fun.
Then came the posting to various units.
I was posted to be an Rp,i was gleaming.
But reality was not kind to me,i was actually posted to the worst of RP-air force RP.
Everything was terrible,i was more miserable than ever alot of people were miserable too when they realised just what they got into.

"attached to this gloom i see
raping myself to be free..."


My mental state from that moment on went to a downward spiral,my platoon mates noticed that i looked very depressed.
They would ask me whether i was fine.
It was tough to be away from my dog,my room and my friends.
The distance between me and my friends was increasing as i was in ns and they were busy in poly.
So i felt really lonely.
I made a net friend,her name is deb short for debra.
I shared with her my problems etc and she told me to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.
Soon she left to Australia for studies.
I felt left behind.
I wanted to seek help,wanted to go to the army counseling
but didn't as it will appear on my report and when i work next time
it will affect the employers in the way they see me


"all i feel in this weary hour
is weakness and dismay
in solitude
thoughts revolve around your way
all i see is you slipping further away
lost in a void of grey..."

I've also shared my problems etc with my best friend chris whom is like a brother to me.
But the more i shared the more i felt that maybe i shouldn't have shared it as i felt he didn't get what i was saying,what i was suffering.
I felt foolish,that my words didn't reach him,i felt i couldn't reach anyone.
So why even bother trying?
I should had stayed in my shell,no one will understand.
All of what im suffering is nothing.
Im nothing
Those were my thoughts.


"i'm yearning to reveal my burden
for the sake of sympathy,
another moment lost
lenient efforts sink down in to oblivion and
my irrelevance shines completely through"

Theres alot more for me to type etc which happened .
but im just cutting short alot of stuff but i might get to them next time.


"bewailing my memories
my death is all that i claim
nothing could fill my insanity
my opaque apathy bleeds.."

As time passed so did the pain,loneliness etc,the negative side just kept growing i felt suffocated.
I became suicidal,i kept visualizing of killing myself to end it all.

" spending all my time
trying to prove to myself
you're not as hollow as you seem
suffering and love seem to have the same face
leading this soul towards the end"



I thought to myself. I have nothing,no gf,no real home,no money,no way of competing with people with diplomas and degrees etc.
I really felt i had nothing.
I had low self esteem,confidence since secondary school.
That is another story for another time.
I felt that i had mostly bad luck.
I didn't know what my purpose in life was.
I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hated myself,the way i look,think etc.



"with this loathe engrained in me
i falter in despair
i perish away in my taint of shame
lost,astray again...."



I always believed that im meant to achieve great things in life.
To have my wings clipped and fall to the ground with no hope of ever flying again,
i gave up my last positive thought.
It was my night shift to do duty.
I sat outside the guardroom with my platoon mates sleeping inside.
Surrounded by darkness,my mind lapsed into darkness.

"i will no more embrace this rape so wild.
i pray this stair to end
i can't go deeper
i see no light,no end..."


I had my rifle and a magazine which was loaded.
I loaded my magazine into my rifle.
Sitting there in the darkness,i pointed my rifle to my head.
"time to end it all,this is the end of my journey"
tears came rolling down my cheeks as i thought about my mom,dog etc
How i was going to leave them all behind,what i didn't accomplish,what i didn't experience etc.
My mind was racing.Heart pounding.


"asunder of this painful theft
theft of all i had
i feel so ashamed,embraced with hate
as death leaves me to wait"

To be continued.......