Monday, October 29, 2007

The moment of reckoning

CONTINUED


"You are not as hollow as you think Elias"
Those words came into mind.
My thoughts were of my mother and my dog.
"can you bear to leave them behind?"
"they will be so devastated if you are gone.
You can end your miserable life and leave this world
but they are still living and they have to bear the burden ,the cross of you being gone.Are you that heartless?"
"You still have many unaccomplished things in life,things to experience etc.
How can you just leave like that?
You hate to lose so why give up?
You have a strong will to survive since birth and have endured through
the many setbacks,bad lucks,etc in life so why give up now?
You know that you are born to achieve great things in life so why end it?
You have to prove to yourself and people!!!"


My mind was filled with empowering positive thoughts and i was reborn that moment.


TO BE CONTINUED....

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Death whispered a lullaby

After leaving secondary school i worked various part time jobs for 2 years.I've worked as sales man,sales assistant,mover,cashier,waiter,flyers distributer door to door and flyers distributer.
I managed to defer ns for those 2 years as i put that i was trying lasalle,i wanted to study music in lasalle as i love music but i don't have the music grades so i interviewed for some backstage thing luckily i didn't get through.
So i worked and slacked those 2 years and my favourite job was distributing flyers door to door,even though it was very tiring but i had fun as i enjoyed the freedom.
I was still very miserable,i didn't know what i could do in life.
I was suffering from depression,i felt that i had nothing,noone and no future.
Finally i was enlisted into ns.The start of the damage done.

"afraid of this slow decay
you see me fade away"


Bmt was fun,i had great fun.
Then came the posting to various units.
I was posted to be an Rp,i was gleaming.
But reality was not kind to me,i was actually posted to the worst of RP-air force RP.
Everything was terrible,i was more miserable than ever alot of people were miserable too when they realised just what they got into.

"attached to this gloom i see
raping myself to be free..."


My mental state from that moment on went to a downward spiral,my platoon mates noticed that i looked very depressed.
They would ask me whether i was fine.
It was tough to be away from my dog,my room and my friends.
The distance between me and my friends was increasing as i was in ns and they were busy in poly.
So i felt really lonely.
I made a net friend,her name is deb short for debra.
I shared with her my problems etc and she told me to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.
Soon she left to Australia for studies.
I felt left behind.
I wanted to seek help,wanted to go to the army counseling
but didn't as it will appear on my report and when i work next time
it will affect the employers in the way they see me


"all i feel in this weary hour
is weakness and dismay
in solitude
thoughts revolve around your way
all i see is you slipping further away
lost in a void of grey..."

I've also shared my problems etc with my best friend chris whom is like a brother to me.
But the more i shared the more i felt that maybe i shouldn't have shared it as i felt he didn't get what i was saying,what i was suffering.
I felt foolish,that my words didn't reach him,i felt i couldn't reach anyone.
So why even bother trying?
I should had stayed in my shell,no one will understand.
All of what im suffering is nothing.
Im nothing
Those were my thoughts.


"i'm yearning to reveal my burden
for the sake of sympathy,
another moment lost
lenient efforts sink down in to oblivion and
my irrelevance shines completely through"

Theres alot more for me to type etc which happened .
but im just cutting short alot of stuff but i might get to them next time.


"bewailing my memories
my death is all that i claim
nothing could fill my insanity
my opaque apathy bleeds.."

As time passed so did the pain,loneliness etc,the negative side just kept growing i felt suffocated.
I became suicidal,i kept visualizing of killing myself to end it all.

" spending all my time
trying to prove to myself
you're not as hollow as you seem
suffering and love seem to have the same face
leading this soul towards the end"



I thought to myself. I have nothing,no gf,no real home,no money,no way of competing with people with diplomas and degrees etc.
I really felt i had nothing.
I had low self esteem,confidence since secondary school.
That is another story for another time.
I felt that i had mostly bad luck.
I didn't know what my purpose in life was.
I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hated myself,the way i look,think etc.



"with this loathe engrained in me
i falter in despair
i perish away in my taint of shame
lost,astray again...."



I always believed that im meant to achieve great things in life.
To have my wings clipped and fall to the ground with no hope of ever flying again,
i gave up my last positive thought.
It was my night shift to do duty.
I sat outside the guardroom with my platoon mates sleeping inside.
Surrounded by darkness,my mind lapsed into darkness.

"i will no more embrace this rape so wild.
i pray this stair to end
i can't go deeper
i see no light,no end..."


I had my rifle and a magazine which was loaded.
I loaded my magazine into my rifle.
Sitting there in the darkness,i pointed my rifle to my head.
"time to end it all,this is the end of my journey"
tears came rolling down my cheeks as i thought about my mom,dog etc
How i was going to leave them all behind,what i didn't accomplish,what i didn't experience etc.
My mind was racing.Heart pounding.


"asunder of this painful theft
theft of all i had
i feel so ashamed,embraced with hate
as death leaves me to wait"

To be continued.......

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Follow the hollow

CONTINUED.....


Lesson Learnt:"Circumstances doesn't control a man,men are in control of how circumstances affects them"-Elias Titus
As bad as my circumstances seemed to me at that point of time,the brutal truth is that im to be blamed for letting all of it to affect me.I allowed what was happening at home to affect me in my studies and life.We are the one in control of our destinies.It boils down to the choices we make in life,what we choose is what affects us not the environment,people or circumstances.A person born into a abusive family can either choose to grow up to be whatever his/her parents is like or choose to be the opposite and be the most caring person around.Its all up to us so don't make the mistake of letting your situation,environment,people etc to control you.
To say something like"but i was born into a family and my parents abuses me so i've grown into an abusive parent myself" is nothing but excuses,to shift the blame from oneself onto someone or thing,to play the victim role which people are good at so we feel better of ourselves.Yes,circumstances,environment,people etc can influence us but the truth is that we have to power to choose,we choose whether it affects us or not.Be responsible for yourself for noone else is.



To be continued.......what again?.....

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Since the day it all came down

I was an extremely mischievous boy since kindergarden,i used to fight a lot and i was talkative too.My talkativeness got me changing seats often by my teachers but that didn't stop me from talking and not paying attention in class.Then in secondary 6 i decided to study hard for the psle,it was the first time in a long time that i actually studied hard.With all the hard work i passed my psle and went on to st'patrick's school.


I had many great friends from secondary 1 but most of them transfered to another school one after another.It affected me as i had lesser friends.Then came the splitting of classes for sec 3 to a class taking history or geography.This split further affected me as my close friends were no longer in the same class as me,i was in the history class.
It was during this period of time that my brother got to know a "girl" from god knows where.Theres a lot to type but im just going to cut a long story short for this part of the story."She" moved in to stay with the opposition of my mom.Day in and day out my brother would quarrel with "her" and it affected me like the way children does when their parents quarrels in front of them.It was just plain hell,i felt like my home was no longer home.IT affected me in my studies as well.This problem at home coupled with my friends getting lesser in school affected me to the point that i somehow became quieter and also became anti social.This was the start of me becoming a very angry young man and also the start of my depression which then lasted for 7 years.I was not motivated to study as i didnt have a goal to work towards.I was not interested of any course in poly,jc n ite so i didnt felt the need for me to study.Eventually i failed my 'O'levels.The day of the results came and i went to collect my results,when i saw my results i was not feeling anything i had become numbed.I expected the results.I was not really affected by it initially but as time passed it slowly ate me from the inside.


TO BE CONTINUED......

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The scattering of ashes

Im going to blog about what i want to become,to achieve,etc but before i do that im going to share with you my story what i've been through,what i learnt etc so keep coming back for updates.Theres so much that i want to type and to share so i will try to the best of my ability to blog about it to u.

Bear with it as there will be many parts.Thank your for taking some time off to read through what im about to embark on and hope u can learn some things from my story.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Thought of the day

"your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's live.
Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other opinions drown out your own inner voice.
And most importantly have the courage to follow your heart and intuition,they somehow already know what you truly want to become,everything else is secondary.-steve jobs

Friday, October 19, 2007

More posts coming up

More posts coming up.I have no idea how many people actually reads my blog so pls tag me so i know who passes by,anything will do even a hi and bye.


Now i shall leave u to this-THINK BIG AND KICK ASS!!!

THINK BIG AND KICK ASS

Here is a food for thought for u peeps.


Remembering that i will be dead soon is the most important tool i've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Because almost everything ,all external expectations or pride or fear of embarrassment or failure,these things just fall away in the face of death leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that your are going to die is the best way i know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.
You are already naked there is no reason not to follow your heart.-Steve Jobs

Contemplation

During the holidays,being away from school life freed me from the mindset of a student and actually allowed me to think.The thought of quitting my current ite course came into mind.My previous goal and plan was to do well in school and start up my own business by next year while schooling,then my thoughts led me to thinking of quitting the course so i can concentrate on my goals full time.
Came monday the start of a new school term.While in class a thought came into mind."I should quit and study business in ite or a private school".
Then i got back home and made my calls to my mentor and friends to listen to their thoughts on it.I then went online to look up on the business courses offered in ite,"damn i thought to myself,all these courses are of no use to me in the future as they teach you to manage events,other people's businesses and accounting,i don't want to study those".so i went on to sim website to see.The same thing they are teaching stuffs not what i want to learn so finally i made up my mind not to leave ite and to carry on with my plans .I will research and study about business through the net,books and people instead,this way i save money on paying thousands to these private schools and i learn only what i need to learn.